It started on Beth’s Bear Mountain ride. It was very cold. I remember riding back and we going through Nyack. We were on a flat part of road, and suddenly i went from riding second wheel, to off the back of our group and gasping for air. Wheezing, and then panicking, hyperventilating and crying behind my glasses. It was so scary. I took a breath and nothing. Another, nothing. Another another another. Nothing nothing nothing. My lungs were squeaking for air. And tears dripped down my eyes, but i wiped them away and tried to chase back on to the back of the group. . Eventually it stopped. I meditated on my breath, trying desperately to slow the spasms in my chest. But something was wrong.
Then three days later on another cold day we had Sprint Practice in the park. We were doing formsprint drills: you begin from your hardest gear almost from a track stand. Then you stomp down on the pedal and try to get spinning as fast as possible. On the first one I stomped down and let out a scream. OH MY GOD. I felt like something across my chest split open. I was freaking out and coughing. I didn’t want to not be able to do something I was supposed to be good at it, so i quizzically asked if I should feel like my chest is splitting open, making a joke of it. And then I did 14 more. Each one was so painful. And I’d let out a bellowing set of coughs at the end. But hey, its supposed to be hard work, right?
At the end of practice we did a pace line drill and three minutes in I popped myself. I couldn’t hold onto the wheel in front of me. I couldn’t spin my legs faster. My teammates are so strong, so I chalked my inability to keep up to my teammates being more fit, and going harder than I could handle. I couldn’t breath.
Then there were two more weeks of long outdoor rides where once the going got hard I’d find myself gasping. I would find myself surging to stay on wheels. I was getting down on myself. I was feeling totally incapable. I know I’m not in the best shape right now. But when I’d pop myself I kept thinking my legs had way more in them, but for some reason I couldnt push. I couldn’t breath deep enough to fuel my muscles. I was getting so frustrated. I cried a bit more.
Every ride. Even short easy ones were beginning to leave me utterly exhausted. Even riding to work I’d be coughing. I was so tired all the time. I could take 4 naps a day and still fall asleep at night. I was utterly exhausted. I took off from work one day and tried to catch up on my sleep and the nagging headache that had appeared and wouldn’t go away. Then more riding, more exhaustion. Was I over training? That must be it.
Then this past Wednesday I woke up coughing up in a storm. My throat felt like it was going to crack and as I lay in my bed trying to get going and get off to work I found myself gasping for air. Why the hell do I keep holding my breath? Must be apnea. God I’m tired. Maybe I have mono? Or pnemonia? I was googling my symptons like a crazy person.
I slept all day and was still tired. Alex came over at 3:00 and told me it was 65 degrees outside. Thinking maybe I’m just wallowing in my lethargy we went out for some fresh air. I couldn’t stop coughing. I couldn’t breath. My chest felt like it was being stabbed.
That night I found I couldn’t sit up straight cause it would force me into a coughing fit and the stabbing pain in my chest would become ridiculously unbearable. So I sat on the couch hunched over, holding my breath.
The next morning I woke up and the pain over my chest had become so painful that it felt like someone was sitting on my rib cage. I guess it was finally time to go to the doctor.
Not having the energy to even figure out a doctor in NYC I decided to go home to NJ.
And well.. It’s official. I’m sick.
Apparently I haven’t just been really tired, I don’t have mono or apnea or pneumonia.
For the past three weeks I have only been breathing at about 50%. I have torn and bruised rib muscles and a bronchial infection. My bronchial tube is so swollen that only half the air I breath has been reaching my lungs. And every cough has been making the tear and bruise worse. The doctor prescribed antibiotics for the infection, heavy-duty cough syruo to prevent me from coughing and an inhaler.
Its amazing what you can get used to and justify as normal. All the breathing for three weeks, my horse voice, my tiredness - I thought it was all normal. Then after a single puff from the inhaler I took a breath and OH MY GOD wow… AIR… In my lungs…. holy shit. I got so lightheaded from actually breathing.
But now the hard part really begins… Remembering that just because I feel better, I am not better. It’s just the medicine doing its work, and I need to let it do its work. I suck at resting (unless there is a really good reality TV Show marathon on). So f you see me out riding this weekend - knock me off my bike and yell at me and tell me to Get The Fuck Back In Bed.
(**the vodka in the picture is just for dramatic effect**)
